Purging

It’s been a while. Actually it feels like a life time ago since I last posted a blog. Probably because on some level that is exactly what it has “felt” like as I have been going through my life with a fine tooth comb. You see, I have been purging. Not throwing up like a bulimic might, but rather throwing out. For the last while I have been purging myself of certain people, places and things. As I am entering a new space and phase in my life, it’s time to get rid of that which might hold me back from the new adventure ahead of me. The process has been both freeing and invigorating while threaded with some sadness as I ponder the symbolism and meaning of the things and relationships I am discarding.

For many of us purging is not an easy thing. In my case, I am certainly not a hoarder or pack rat by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, over the 2+ decades I have lived in my home I have gone through the experience of purging several times but never this drastically and strategically. Truth be told, I have hung onto too many things, certain relationships and places far longer than they are good for me. As I look at them I realize they have begun to tie me down and hold me back from growing and thriving. Identifying the specific elements as to how and where exactly they restrict me while at the same time evaluating if they should be part of the future is all part of the purging process. It takes choice and decision-making which can, at times, seem utterly ruthless especially when those things or relationships have meant so much to me.

I recommend the process of purging for everyone. Just like evaluating whether to take along every drawing our children have ever done (you know those unidentifiable scratches which we hang so proudly on the refrigerator door?) or the thing we were so thrilled to own which represented another time and place we don’t ever want to forget (though you haven’t looked at it in years as it sits in a box in the crawlspace or attic!), so we have to decide whether its lodged in our memory without needing the reminder that they serve or is the ‘item’ itself the container of the memory. I find that looking through the old parts of my life has been both a gift and a frustration. Some of them I could have thrown out a long time ago. Other things I realize are not as precious as I originally thought they were. Too many things clutter our lives and our thinking. That has been the same with some of the my recent relationships which I thought might still have brought me joy but instead remind me of something I need to lay to rest once and for all.

Personally I have a much easier time letting go of things; relationships are another story. Though I attach symbolism to certain items as part of that current time (like the sea shells collected on one of my many trips), I attach my heart to certain relationships. Thus the letting go takes time and can’t be done quickly and abruptly. But if we pay attention to what the relationship is doing to us or whether it has served it’s time and purpose and perhaps we have outgrown and need to move on, it can be very freeing to let go of those that are unhealthy attachments for us. I will use one of the relationships I am letting go of as an example. During it’s time and season, there was a lot of positives peppered with about as much salt on wounds that were negatives. Despite the encouragement of my close friends I just could not let this relationship go. Something was holding me back. Much like the box of memorabilia that I hung onto that were broken nicknacks from years gone by which I could just not part with, so this relationship kept me going back. I knew I was looking for an answer to something; an internal question I had been asking since the beginning of the relationship. I wanted it to make sense and it just did not. I recall a saying that a good pastor friend of mine told me over twenty years ago. “If you wait long enough, when the wash hangs out to dry the stain will eventually appear”. In other words, if I waited long enough the answer would finally come my way. I just had to wait and see. My propensity has always been to ‘go after it’; ask the question directly. But that just served to hurt me too many times. So for the last year (almost exactly) I took my old friend’s advice and waited. Sure enough a couple of months ago I found myself observing an interaction which this person was having with another individual. The responses were oddly familiar to me and I felt I could identify with the dynamic. It led me to ask a couple of rather neutral questions and in the process received the answer I had been waiting for. I would never have been able to get the answer from this individual directly; rather I got it through watching and observing. Now it all finally made sense. It was a click and literally everything of the past couple of years fell into place!

The picture that came to my mind as soon as I got the answer was the car game we used to play for hours: lining the numbers in a square from one to nine.

Frustrating as it may seem, working on it long enough all the numbers will eventually fall into place. And what a relief and sense of accomplishment when it does all come together.

Much like the origami puzzle which forces you to find just the right sequence to fit the puzzle into place so this person’s answer related to what I had intuitively always sensed and ‘known’. It made it incredibly easier to let the relationship go since it was not ‘relationship’ or ‘friendship’ I was purging, but rather the stain that had been affecting my life. It became amply clear to me that it was time to move on for the sake of my emotional and spiritual health.

Things can ultimately tie us down. They can own us more than we can own them. We obviously can’t take them with us when we die. We can’t even take our relationships along with us, though hopefully we will have them again when we reach the other side of death. Purging is healthy. It does not mean making room for new things to own, but rather it should be such that it allows us to make room for more of ourselves to grow and thrive. If a relationship weighs you down and the person is playing with your mind and heart, then begin the purging process. LIke me, an answer will come as you wait. I did not wait without doing something about it. I waited with anticipation for an answer. It may not come in an obvious way but if you know that the stain is there, it will show itself on the clothes line after the wash is hung to dry. In the meantime, be sure that your own stains are purged and cleansed.

I might add that purging relationship does not always mean throwing the relationship out but it does mean getting rid of the things that are not helpful or necessary anymore in the relationship. If the interactions are healthy then obviously it is one to stick with, even if you never see each other on this side of heaven. Nor does it mean that the relationship itself was bad. In fact most often that is not the case. The relationship was there for a reason and its imperative, before throwing or moving away from it, that you take the value from it that was there. And remember, you were part of that value because it had your heart in it. And in many cases, also involved the other person’s heart. That is why it seems so much easier to throw ‘things’ away in the purging process. Unless of course, they have your heart in them.

As for me, I am done with my purging process. My things are being settled into a new environment, the relationships I want to expend energy and time on are healthy and bring life and the new place I have been moving into is allowing for a new type of space and time for adventure. I may still be ‘in between’, the article for my next post, but the purging is done. And I feel clean and less cluttered in both my mind and my heart, something I recommend for everyone.